Sunday, April 27, 2008

2.56am

I couldn’t sleep. Probably it is because of the Teh Tarik.

Chaihong asked me to share in the coming Saturday service. Since I am wide awake, so I decided to give some thought on what to share. Conclusion: No idea still.

I do not really know actually. I wouldn’t say I grow much in the Lord these past few years. Yes, I became actively involved in CF and church but on a personal level, I am not sure. I did many things, MANY, that pull me away from HIM and I am still struggling to get back to HIM everyday. It sort of made me think a lot about what made me into the me now. I used to be that girl who will blush when a guy smiles at me, cute ones la of course, have long-term crushes, shy to speak but when I speak, it was all nonsense. Literally. It gets embarrassing when I talk because it doesn’t make sense and because it was my teenager years, I was very self-conscious and no confidence at all.

If you would know me when I was then, comparing to the me now, you would probably say it’s a huge difference. I don’t really remember exactly what happened, but I think it was because of some remark, I started to evaluate myself seriously. It took me some time, to listen and observe the people around me. Gradually I changed into someone else. JaniceTay, who was away at KTJ came back once and asked me.

“You were LOUD once. What happened to you?”

Yes, that was one of my traits then. I was very very self-conscious, making sure I do not do anything wrong or say anything wrong. I wanted people to like me. It wasn’t all that bad. I learned to listen to others and not barging into an on-going conversation. As I grew older, somehow, I picked up skills to be brave to talk in front of people, worship leading and also leading others in certain activities.

However, my confidence really started to build up in Form Six. I used to talk to people and avoid looking at them because I was afraid they will look through me. Silly, but it was the truth. Coming to UTAR was a confidence boost. It is really pleasant to have people looking up to you because my language is slightly stronger and I dare to talk compared to the rest. However, it gets tedious at times because people expect you to perform better due to my better understanding in language. Sorry la… I am never an A+ student. Always have been an average student.

So what am I really made of? I was hurt, jeered at, laughed at, humiliated and lots more. It took me a long way to stand up again to learn life’s lesson. Looking back, I am glad it all happened. I was broken and I have God all the way to hold me up and I hope, forever.