This is the scene: I walked into a nice, cozy restaurant alone. As I sat down, I saw a familiar face. Not thinking any further, I ordered one of my favourite drinks of all time: sparkling water, if that is considered a drink. I continued to enjoy the music and people passing by outside. Very soon I got into my "staring into space" mood. I was frightened by the waiter who gave me my drink and I noticed that familiar face was watching me. Awkward but do not want to be bothered, I took out a book and started reading. Next thing I know, that face is in front of me. I cringed and gave a puzzling look.

Don't you recognize me?

Erm, not really.

We used to be best of friends. We went out together, did things and spent most of our time together.

Oh. What happen then?

We grew out of each other. We both wanted different things. We no longer share the same interests. We stopped going out. Then later, we stopped all communication between us.

Now, that did not really happen. It was one of my dreams which I had some time ago. Amazing how clear it is in my mind. Probably because I remember it so well.

They say friends come and go. We need different kind of friends to help us as we grow up. I remember having this childhood friend. We were so close but when primary education started, we went different school and thus, we have different friends. There was this boy who is older than me by a year, but because he used to stay nearby, we managed to become close as in play games together, have multiple gatherings. When they shifted away, we just stopped talking. Even when we have mutual friends, we see each other, we ignore each other. Thinking back, I have no idea what was it then. I believe people around us groom us to what we are now. Things happen and it works as a reminder of how not to do the same mistakes again. I continued growing up with a lot of love around me. I have many friends but as I grew older, I realize I do not really have that many. Friendships are just like any relationships. It requires time and communication. Somehow, many left and sometimes I do wonder. Was it because of the lack of time together or we just changed.

And so what if you spend so much time together? Will it really boost up your friendship or will it just turn worse? It seems to get worse or maybe it is just me. I feel ashamed when people compliment what a good friend I am because deep down inside I know what kind of person I am. I am tired. Sometimes I do so much to preserve a friendship but in the end, I feel pointless. I am so discouraged to do beyond what I do usually. I really have no idea what is the right thing to do. Keeping as many close by to help kill time or a few that you can really talk to? Looks like the second choice is still a better choice.

So how many of my friends now will be like the one in my dream? How many of them I will be able to hold on to until... I get married, have kids... going old? That will be interesting to know.

some people pay to get their hair straight...
straight hair people pay to get their hair curly

-Justin Tan Tock Wei, ex-chairperson for CF, whom I called 'boss', and the most awkward CF president ever.

I hate to admit this: I regret 70% of whatever I do.

People always say, make a decision and keep to it without regrets. Well, guess that applies well to my other 30%. I wouldn't call myself exactly fickle-minded, but I supposed whenever I do something, I just did it without thinking first. Guess that is called stupidity. Take shopping for instance. Most of the time, I regret what I buy. I end up looking at my goods and realized that either I don't like the colour, or the style. It never fails. The same goes to my hair-cutting sessions. Always didn't like how it turn out to be.

So I am basically just going to chill this whole week. Assignments and the word BUSY comes in next week. I am so not going to waste my free time now. I am just going to play games, dream and dream even more! Ahh.. heaven. Talking about heaven...

I was in charge of a so-called Bible study in CF today. It was about Jesus' resurrection. Joel shared, I think a dream of his or something. Well, make it a dream. So, he dreamt that he was in this church where everybody thought it was the Church of God. Later on, he found the real church and went over without informing his friends. So on Judgement Day, Joel's name is found in the Book of Life but his friends are not. His friends asked, why didn't he tell them. Joel didn't because he himself didn't believe that much of it. I read a story like that once before. I guess we would never know what its like after death. The scary part would be friends that you've known for years, some may even be childhood friends are not going to be where you are going to be. Just like Joel's story. What if I get into heaven, but my friends are not? What if they ask why didn't I tell them? Then wouldn't I be the one to be blame for not sharing the Gospel with them?

I don't know. Ever since I became a Christian, I've been selfish. I want myself be closer to God, I keep feeding myself with His word, His love. I never want to be part of any evangelism event. Truth is, I don't know how to ask my non-christian friends to join such events. Even right now, in university. The only christian friends I have are from CF. The people I hang out with most of the time are non-christian. I keep getting people saying that I have all the opportunity to share the Gospel. Somehow, I just can't do it. When I was a younger christian, I secretly hoped that full-time ministry will not be in God's plan for me. I dread the idea of mission trips. I am amazed at Jim Elliot's life and surprisingly when I was reading his journal, I wanted that too. Here is me again, don't know what I want exactly in my life. I am still learning everyday. Through people who love God so much.

And Joel said that heaven is filled with Coke and chocolates.

I have a paper in less than 12 hours, and here I am. Updating my blog. It is one of those another I-simply-don't-know-what-I-am-studying-about papers.

I feel S-T-R-E-S-S. I have a whole list about why I am.

1. The dress I am fitting in this week. (Had it tailor-made. But I gained weight since then.)
2. Wendy's final dinner reception. (I have no idea what is my role)
3. Should I do my nails this week or the next?
4. My sunburn skin on my shoulders!
5. What to wear to the uni ball.
6. A dear friend.
7. Think I just twisted my neck. Ouch.
8. CF accounts

The story of my life. And there is still my test tomorrow!

I am tired. Physically and spiritually. What have I been doing? I do not do rigorous activities. I slack and sleep as much as I can. I don't really bother how the rest of the world is doing. Well, yes, I have been thinking extremely a lot. No any particular thoughts, all random thoughts. Been thinking how my life was then and now, how I've changed... Funny. Thinking back, I realize as I grow older, I started to compromise a lot of things. My principles that used to sound so loud in my life now seems to found some place to hide.

So what is wrong? What made me compromise? Of course, there are good changes but it seems like only the negative ones stay in my head. Anyways, been doing a lot of soul-searching even before the semester started. I have decided to re-prioritize things in my life. Things and people that I left behind whilst I was busy chasing some other things. I need to catch up with people, build stronger relationships and pick up the pieces I last left with God. I would say, so far so good. I am more focus in lectures and I hope it will stay that way. I have dreams for my future. I want to go out and do things that benefit not only me, but others as well.

I am like many lazy undergraduates. I don't want to go out to work so fast. But I'm not blessed that way. I have commitments even before I come out to work. Coming from a regular family, I cannot afford to have a gap year or even a couple of months. I don't have a rich father who can support my daily expenses and I definitely wouldn't want my dad to keep supporting me after I graduate. I am afraid of thunderbolts. I want to go for further studies. Looking at the situation, the only way to happen is to get a full scholarship. To get that, I have to put a lot of work in this final year of mine.

I would need lots of prayers and encouragement. So you guys, reading this... please do keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

Responsibility seems to follow you around, always. Just when I thought I can hand over my position in CF happily, there I have a much bigger responsibility. I think I can handle responsibility well. I think. Being a treasurer allowed me to do a lot of paperwork which I detest greatly...! But, I passed my serving term. But to ask me to lead others spiritually, now... that is an issue.

Discipleship WOR.

I admit. I have goosebumps everytime someone says this to me. Its a big thing. I am not a model christian. I do things that a christian shoudn't do. Yet again I am reminded that no one is perfect. I guess my biggest worry is that I am afraid what I do will stumble others. Its been a big problem for me ever since... the elders approached me about this. Its even worse now that they want to do such thing in CF. I am yes, indeed experienced and an older christian. Maturity level, I think I'm far behind.

Excuses, definately.

“I used to party comfortably because I was working. Now, however, I became just like any poor student in college”
A friend mourning about his party days.

I would say my life seems a little mundane lately. Nothing much is happening, too much of free time. I wish this will not end. *grins* I was complaining to a friend about how I wish things are different in my life. I told her how much I wish I am smarter, prettier and THINNER! Yep, things I am never satisfied about. I wish myself to become so many things that I don’t even know will I ever be that. Well, back to the conversation. She looked at me and simply asked a simple question. Why don’t you ask for God’s works in your life instead of all these worldly things?

Fuiyoh. That was a real slap on the face.