Sunday, April 27, 2008

2.56am

I couldn’t sleep. Probably it is because of the Teh Tarik.

Chaihong asked me to share in the coming Saturday service. Since I am wide awake, so I decided to give some thought on what to share. Conclusion: No idea still.

I do not really know actually. I wouldn’t say I grow much in the Lord these past few years. Yes, I became actively involved in CF and church but on a personal level, I am not sure. I did many things, MANY, that pull me away from HIM and I am still struggling to get back to HIM everyday. It sort of made me think a lot about what made me into the me now. I used to be that girl who will blush when a guy smiles at me, cute ones la of course, have long-term crushes, shy to speak but when I speak, it was all nonsense. Literally. It gets embarrassing when I talk because it doesn’t make sense and because it was my teenager years, I was very self-conscious and no confidence at all.

If you would know me when I was then, comparing to the me now, you would probably say it’s a huge difference. I don’t really remember exactly what happened, but I think it was because of some remark, I started to evaluate myself seriously. It took me some time, to listen and observe the people around me. Gradually I changed into someone else. JaniceTay, who was away at KTJ came back once and asked me.

“You were LOUD once. What happened to you?”

Yes, that was one of my traits then. I was very very self-conscious, making sure I do not do anything wrong or say anything wrong. I wanted people to like me. It wasn’t all that bad. I learned to listen to others and not barging into an on-going conversation. As I grew older, somehow, I picked up skills to be brave to talk in front of people, worship leading and also leading others in certain activities.

However, my confidence really started to build up in Form Six. I used to talk to people and avoid looking at them because I was afraid they will look through me. Silly, but it was the truth. Coming to UTAR was a confidence boost. It is really pleasant to have people looking up to you because my language is slightly stronger and I dare to talk compared to the rest. However, it gets tedious at times because people expect you to perform better due to my better understanding in language. Sorry la… I am never an A+ student. Always have been an average student.

So what am I really made of? I was hurt, jeered at, laughed at, humiliated and lots more. It took me a long way to stand up again to learn life’s lesson. Looking back, I am glad it all happened. I was broken and I have God all the way to hold me up and I hope, forever.

I realized many are not updating their blogs. Too caught up with work, probably.

I had one of the worst papers ever earlier. It was scary as it was my first time taking exam on a subject I hardly understand. Weird enough, it was the only subject I attend everytime this semester. Subject itu bernama GLOBAL FINANCE. International subjects are really not my kind of subjects. The last time I did INTERNATIONAL TRADE, I got a C. Boo.

I still have many things left to settle. Yet to have a post-mortem on the camp, which I cannot find a weekend off for it. Then there is this article I promised to Sis Lydia. And the same ol', same ol', job applications.

I miss going out. I played too hard before exams and now all I want to do is play. And I am shifting out from Sg.Long in less than a week.

*screams*

Crazy when I think of it. My very first day here and now is time to leave. It sure didn't feel like its been 3 years. I supposed its obvious how much I grew in size and age! To look back at all that happened here, those incidents are probably the ones that I will remember for the rest of my life. Its been a good stay here, though it did have its ups and downs.

Anyways, I can't wait for what is ahead for me! Pretty excited. Do keep me in your prayers ya.